Transit Moon Square Sun Opposition Mars & Menstruation

Before I woke this morning the Moon had entered my 3rd House, in Capricorn & quickly squared my Sun, then an hour later, opposed my Mars.  I woke grumpy, everything too much, my boyfriend grabbing me, then eating toast loudly in the bed, the dog barking.  It was all too much.  I crawled back under the duvet & tried to make it all go away.

Today I feel the crushing weight of depression all over me.  I know it won’t last, I know I’m making it worse for myself but I can’t seem to stop the train.  Still I’m here, I showed up.  I made coffee. Lets see.  I really don’t understand why I wake up like this some mornings (a lot of mornings), vibrational master teachers like Abraham Hicks say you wake up exactly where you left before you slept but I don’t feel like I’m in such a bad place before sleep.  I enjoy going to bed, to sleep.  It feels like my spirit doesn’t want to come back to my body in the morning.  When I wake up & realise I’m here again, I think I just start that momentum going I suppose….  Is depression just lack of focus?

My period is due in 5 days.  I used to start ‘suffering’ (over-sensitive, tearful, angry mostly, tired) up to 2 weeks before but since I’ve been on this journey of self-development, self-release, ascension, evolution I barely notice its arrival.  Just spending a couple of days nurturing myself, having downtime & quiet.  I like that the womenfolk in the villages used to go off to their own hut away from everyone & then bring back insights they’d received.  I’d like my own hut.  Somewhere warm.  Getting back to that appreciation of the gift of being a woman, is not an easy road after the centuries of patriarchy with women left separated from their bodies and their femininity.

In Chinese traditional medicine, the blood is indicative of Qi, life force.   The blood shed during menstruation can be different colours, thicknesses. This purging of blood from the body, what does it mean?  As women birth the future, do we also release the past, not just for ourselves but for our ancestors, for everyone?  Is this the primary function of the Moon & the feminine polarity?  So many questions. If this is so, may each menstruation be given an intention & with that intention a more powerful release…..for me and therefore humanity? lets see.

I wonder if the main problem people have with using the Law of Attraction to manifest is because the ability to receive, to magnetise (the feminine negative principle) is blocked….

I just climbed back out of bed & put some red lipstick on, I think its helping.  Lets see.

℘∞

 

 

Transit Moon Square SP MC & Intuition

Today the Moon is in my 2nd House in Sagittarius, building up to square my Secondary Progressed MC in Virgo 11H  today at 6.43pm.  I was all fired up this morning & motivated but I’ve just spent about 4 hours working out how to repair the software on my new laptop after the windows update it insisted on installing this morning caused my astrology program to stop working and I lost all my charts and the work I’ve been doing.  Nuff said.  I fixed it though : D

A beautiful friend asked me this morning how to tell the difference between intuition & beliefs.  It got me thinking about over my 40 years, how much I’d abandoned myself.  It takes time after that level of separation to build up trust and to open up to yourself, coyly, shyly, like a teenager on a first date…..sometimes like a startled deer, hunting it silent & terrified, other times like a bull in a china shop….every which way but sideways. (that’ll be the Retrograde Saturn in Cancer- or the new arsehole ripper as I like to call it ; 0)  My experience so far has been mainly one of letting go, normally not through choice (I chose the hard route obvs) and, as I get further along the path, i can still feel myself getting caught up in the same old patterns, feelings, triggers, beliefs but finding it able to recognise it sooner & choose something else.  How you go about doing that, its your bag but I find just the simple act of recognising it, has huge power.  I sometimes flip from mental to existential in seconds.  Other times there’s coaxing, bribery or grenades (thats when I can’t turn it round & just allow it)

I’ve started the feel that sweet sweet relief of the process.  I was so caught up & tangled up, I truly didn’t know my arse from my elbow.  But now….life is getting easier, not much has changed on the outside but thats ok, cos I know it will…..or tbh now it doesn’t matter so much, I can find peace (even if its just an ickle crumb some days!)

I used to lament the fact I didn’t seem to have intuition, I would act on wild hunches that would mostly turn to shit, but now….. its started to seep through, like smoke under a locked, bolted door.  All I had to do was relax, stop trying so hard from a place of anxiety & panic & neediness.  Now I know its there, its Big Me and I won’t abandon me anymore.

Lessons of the square?  Pushing, forcing, getting angry (moi? blush) apparently is not helpful.  If a square aspect represents a belief & a belief being just a thought that we’ve kept thinking over and over again (even inherited from previous lives or from our parents) then today the Moon has offered me an opportunity to release something in the way I think I need to work to get ‘ahead’ or be recognised (Leo) to be getting ‘ahead’.  I watched this video this morning by the gorgeous spark of life that is Charis Melina Brown, she just makes me feel proud to be a lady and wanna go rub glitter & sparkles everywhere.  I didn’t realise until I started contemplating what the Moon Square MC would mean for me today, that this video was going to be such a nod from the Universe as I actually felt irritated with myself for wasting time watching youtube videos.  How funny.  She basically talks about the not-doing part of Be-ing.  There’s my Moon Square Midheaven.  I’m off for a bath.  I know I’ll get more ‘done’ that way. (who cares thats 2pm in the afternoon lol)

P.s. as a little update I realised an 11th House connection – the friend I mentioned earlier actually inspired most of this post……beautiful x

℘∞

 

 

Moon Transit Natal Neptune

This morning I managed to stop  myself falling into my swamp of negativity & melancholy.  I realised the more I panicked or worried about not feeling great, ruminated over why I felt like that, the worse it was getting.  I think I was stubbornly trying to work out what had caused it this morning rather trying to focus on something positive that made me feel better….duh.  LOA kindergarten stuff.  I could kick myself.  Why do I actually want to feel bad?  Why the fuck am I arguing for my limitations?  I guess because the mind is like a muscle, I’ve trained it that way.  Thats my comfort zone.

Not any more.  I’m going outside. Change of scenery.  Treat myself to a coffee.  Watch life. Feel alive.  Distract my pesky mind.

Time to rip myself another new arsehole.

On the walk into town I realise just how affected my energy is.  I feel so sensitive & small. Weak, shaky. Everything makes me want to burst into tears.  I realise its my emotions that feel overwhelming. They veer like a drunk on speed, from terror to fear & all the other nouns in that neighborhood.  I fight the urge to beat myself up anymore for feeling negative & low vibe.  Remind myself this is part of the process, that its not necessarily how it looks on the outside.  I checked my transits, this morning the Moon conjuncted my natal Moon, then squared my Venus (my OH woke me with his face in my face, grabbing me, trying to cuddle me- I pretended to be sleepier than I was to hide the irritation…its not his fault, I’m just dealing with myself & that square between my natal Venus & Natal Moon) & is now on its way to conjunct my natal Neptune, both in the 2nd house.  I think that accounts for this swamp-like despair & sensitivity?   How do I clear this energy?  I suppose don’t fight it, allow the Neptunian artistry & psychic info to flow in?  strengthen my aura, not allow it to be too porous?

On a side note, men keep smiling at me.  Its unnerving. Why today?  Oh is that Neptune mysterious allurement? dangerous.  Ah that might explain why OH was so sweet to me this morning, told me he’d do everything I could just concentrate on my ‘thing’.  Hard for me to accept that but I did, I always feel like I can’t accept things from people because I always question their motives.  I feel few people give freely without ‘conditions’ but also aware that my Moon square Venus makes receiving a little tricky….working on that one.  A square aspect is a belief that needs to be brought to conscious awareness & released.  Do I have a belief that I am not worthy? (Moon in 2nd House of  ‘worth/assets’?)  So I manifest people that don’t give to me freely.  I can feel it in my reluctance to accept too.   I release that.  I release it all over the place, wherever it wants to go, up & out baby! §

Fuck bad grammar & punctuation btw.  Flow flow flow….

℘∞

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moon Transit Opposition Natal Jupiter

My natal Jupiter is part of a rather lovely t-square (opposite Uranus/Asc- Square Saturn), this has been so much fun.  Oh the fun I’ve had bouncing between shock behaviours (I call it my social tourettes, I’m really quiet & shy. Until I drop a bomb.  Or wear something really weird), then huge self-restriction (living like a nun, major self-loathing) followed by extreme uncontrollable excess (who wants to partay????!!!).  Now with a bit of time & space (maturity- nope I can’t call it that yet) but mostly meditation, giving me the ability to stand back from myself with a little more clarity…..I can almost slow it down & see the car crash before it happens.  I’ve started to allow myself to have fun but attempt to rein it in before it ends in broken body/dignity issues.

However this last moon transit, it was a New Moon…I have noticed I seem a little more sensitive around the New & Full Moons.  For the last year or two I’ve kept an eye on the moon. wondering about all this New Moon planting seeds jibber jabber.  There’s lots of talk.  It spreads like wildfire on the internet, everyone regurgitating similar information (I suppose that might make it truth…!) but there’s nothing like personal experience.  Words don’t teach, experience does or is it rabbits?  (is that an Abraham Hicks quote?)

Anyway to get back to the point, this last moon transit when it opposed my Jupiter….I’d spent the evening, not in ridiculous excess, drunk & doing lines of coke of the thighs of whores but what I thought was tempered behaviour.  I’d bought some delicious antipasti, a shared bottle of wine. A cheeky G & T prior. A lovely meal cooked by him indoors. Had lovely evening, I felt free, enjoyed everything, didn’t feel too much.  About 30 mins after we went to bed (Midnight ish) I just felt really sick, then had to suddenly run to the bathroom. Took a bowl to bed over the next few hours did the most violent vomiting my body had ever been through, over 10 times.  I couldn’t stop moaning, it was like I was giving birth.  Thought my body would turn inside out.

Sorry about the TMI .

I was in bed for nearly 2 days.  It occurs to me it could be both clearing of old density vibration of some sort in my body…. like purging.  Or just another lesson to be more present in every single moment so I know what my body needs.

Learning…getting there…every day…watching….listening….paying attention….the rest will come.

℘∞

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

personal panacea project

Birthed 01:11am 26th October 2016

I feel like a twat writing this but I’ve been talking to you for a very long time…..time to stop strangling the life out of myself & my self-expression…

Apparently the most important thing, in terms of getting anywhere with yourself, or anyone/thing for that matter, is to show up.  So here I am… {whistles} amuse yourself for a while until I figure this out?

I had so many words….where did they go?  This is awkward.  Ok baby steps.  Squirm.  The ego is a fragile thing.  I was once told I don’t have one.  I felt hurt until I realised it was a compliment, then I felt smug.  I now realise that I do have one, I just keep it beaten down, afraid of its own shadow, locked in a small dark box…I wheel it out occasionally to kick the shit out of it, then wrestle it back into its box.  It has been know to sneak up on me & take me by surprise then we both do the walk of shame back to the box, silently blaming each other.

Well I’ve thrown it a bone tonight.  Lets see what happens from here.  Am I more afraid that someone might read what I write or that nobody will?

To little me,

Thanks for showing up.  Even if this proves to you that this is yet another “thing” you shouldn’t be doing, thanks for being brave. {smiley face, fist bump}

Love

Big Me

p.s. hope to see you soon, or not, whatever, like no pressure (ha we both know a large portion of your self-respect is hanging on this, but lets pretend its not shhhhh)

ok i’m going back to bed to toss & turn – that turning’s boring.